After 1 & 1/2 years of struggling, I m back to square1 being bugged by this problem : Procrastination. Reason behind Procrastination : I dun have much confidence in things I do. One may still see me doing ok in academic areas, but often you dun see me achieving much in other areas and most of the time you wun see me venturing into something unfamiliar.

1 whole year since the incident ended, I m still being affected by the same old scar. The Darkest Period I had in my 17years of life. Still I m not able to walk out completely. Poly fren will know that i moodless to study, moodless to do anything other than i go home to emo.

Most of the thing in my mind, i recalled the lectures i was given by Mrs S. Ong for not performing up to expectations. Nobody will understand I felt at that period of time. Thus, I would not waste more space talking abut it. Some better understanding could be achieved if u replaced the word 'lectures' with ' personal insults'.

Thus, I ended my O lv with not even a single ounce of self-confidence. & a series of events that follow: Choice of JC life out of my life. Dream Course in Poly -Aviation Management, unable to stand firmly to the choice. Eventually at the last day of JAE, Civil Eng from 2nd choice swop over to 1st choice.

Not complaining about the course I m in right now. I m happy to be in the course. It is just whenever I think back, I just cannot visualize myself being a confident of the decisions I make or the things I do.

Lectures gave by Mrs Ong does not just affect my self confidence, it made me kinda sensitive. Sensitive to personal insults like ' 你没有用' . Sensitive to comparing results with anybody. Everytime i went back to Meleka, I be back feeling inferior of myself. Y? My cousins are just excellent when comes to everything. Its just feeling stressful to be in a environment where everybody is excellent. Elder Cousin achieving grades that in my life i nv ever achieve-Straights A and perharps 1 b. Since young, no matter how hard i tried, not even once was i close to her grades. The best i achieved was like 1 or 2 As and Scrape through the others. I dearly wanted once, just once, that the whole family was proud of my results. There was not such a time. Younger cousin are also achieving far better grades than i had when i was their age. Sometimes, you would feel somewat neglected because when they are talking about results, you are not going to be the main topic. Avg Sux- Either to be the top or be at the bottom, at least u get a bit of attention eh.

One may argue that : 'Everyone has unique abilities, you can just judge by academic means'. The most presentable ability I could say is like piano? Cox i always felt that i got a tiny bit of talent as i be able to transpose the song abit from hearing to simple playing on the piano. Ended up, now i feel that my brothers are a far more better player than i do. Decided to drop out of grade 6 Exams as i felt that i could not reach that level.
There is not a single thing I could proudly say that 'I owned the skill' in the family. Sometimes you just feel that your presence is just redundant. EmO. Want Some positive thoughts to motivate myself also find it a challenging task to do. KNS. How to get more confident without positive thoughts?? Die lor....